My comprehensive guide to British birds.

Cumquot

These sweet little tropical Birds visit mainland Britain once a year on a stop-off as they migrate to Shetland. They have an intense fear of trees and bowling alleys, making Shetland their ideal winter home. They feed on honey and nectar which they draw from flowers using their long beaks. Hah, I’m joking. They eat cats. Dead cats

Craghopper (Cragg-hopper)

Always seen with trusty flask, neck warmer and waterproof, this most sensible of birds is shunned by it’s friends for looking ‘Really lame Mike, come on, sort yourself out’ Was briefly on the ‘Gladiators’ during it’s hey day, under the Gladiator name: ‘Electro’

BONUS SPOT: EGRET FROM GAME OF THRONES

Seeg Gull

Scum of the bird world. Look at him. What a chancer. Lazy, thieving scroungers. I once saw one eat and baby, and then tell the baby it looked fat. If you want to join, the Daily Mail has a petition for them to be deported.

Blue-tit (blue-snigger)

One of the oldest birds of these islands, its colouring comes from its clumsy habit of leaning over paper work when writing. The blue-tit feeds mainly on bark, small insects and the flesh of the impure. Not normally seen in winter, unless you have a very good telescope.

Flamingo (Flaming-go)

The males of the species are noted for being very sexually aggressive, probably because they feel emasculated by their colouring. Found mostly in the north. Many flamingos die after getting their necks caught in discarded festival wrist bands, but its their own fault for trying to get in without paying

Craw (Craw)

The origin of the phrase ‘shut your craw’ can be traced back to the early 18th century, when craws where often used as live purses. The phrase originally meant ‘Don’t worry, this one’s on me’, but has now come to mean something slightly ruder. Craws are normally black, but if they think we can’t tell when they haven’t washed then, frankly, they’re kidding themselves.

Swan (Swon)

The Swan is a large bird, weighing anything from £30-45. Not only do these elegant birds mate for life, they are also the property of her majesty the Queen, who (for reasons best known to herself), has insisted she gets to view said mating on a purpose built private sex-watch platform. All a bit suspicious if you ask me. Especially since she eats them afterwards.

Guse (Geese)

A poor man’s Swan

Puffin (Puffin)

The Puffin is the most noble of birds. Featured on many crests and heraldic designs, the puffin is the official Partick Thistle mascot (Affectionately called ‘Leaky Joe’ by the team.) The puffin survives on a diet entirely consisting of small fish, and lives in burrows on cliff tops. They  are 100% soluble. Not recommend for children. All hail the puffin.

Fawk (Fork)

There is only one Fawk in existence – an eternal bird which has risen from the flames again and again since the ancient times. Recently, however the Fawk is best known for its bit-part in 1986’s Labyrinth, as well as being embroiled in the recent court cases against 1970’s pubic figures. And not to be all judging by appearances, but Jesus Christ, you can see why.

Waxwing (WhaxWhing)

Don’t look at the Waxwing – that’s what it wants. It’s the cbb contestant of birds. What with its wax coated wings and large headdress, its a wonder it can get off the ground. And I think we all know what Freud would have to say about some birds making up for lack of things with other feathers. If you know what I mean.

Ruff (Rough)

The Ruff is native to both Britain and Norway, it’s colourful plummage attracting the attention both of birdwatchers and people who shop at Ikea. Recently, the Ruff has been embroiled in the controversy over the Sochi Olympic games, from which it has been banned for being shit at ice-skating. Putin assures critics that the Ruff is welcome as long as it doesn’t try any sports or go anywhere near him, and refuses to answer those who accuse him of anti-Ruffism, saying ‘Some of my best friends are gay – I mean, er, Norwegian birds’

Pigeon

Bonjour! Ca Va? Oui, cest un pigeon. Un pi-geon. Oui. Quest que ce? Non? Ah, mon oncle, oui, oui. Sappelle Monsieur Pigeon. Avec un pantalon gris. C’est super! Dans le bibliotechque? Oui, oui. C’est tres chique. Ah, c’est vraiment blanc. Au reviour, les Grande-Britannie!